EDDIE VAN HALEN AS O.J. SIMPSON
Hey, I read Ed and Valerie were having troubles in the National Enquirer and a divorce was pending. You don't think they could be wrong do you?
Anyways, Valerie, I want to warn you if you do divorce Eddie - Do you remember O.J. Simpson?
O.J. Simpson Murders, Part 2, the next generations:
Eddie Van Halen as the professional liar O.J. Simpson. A ruthless person with an ego the size of the US Festival. He wants to be dominating and must have things his way at all costs. He is greeted with chants of "Liar" and "Boycott Van Halen" wherever he goes. Now he lives a life of solitude at 5150. When asked about firing two lead-singers in the span of four months, Eddie says the now infamous words, "I am absolutely, 100% not guilty."
"Diamond" David Lee Roth as Lead Defense Attorney "Jewelry" Johnnie Cochrane. A fast talker that can captivate an audience anywhere from the size of a court-room to the size of the Monster's of Rock Festival. They are both know for their fancy threads. Just as Johnnie saved O.J. from the electric chair, Roth will Save Eddie the same fate from the fans who want to put him there. Dave's famous plea, "If Gary Cherone does not fit, then he must quit." Dave saves Eddie from the fans by saying, "Eddie doesn't suck, he just made a mistake!"
Valerie Bertinelli-Van halen as Nicole Brown. She was blonde haired and beautiful and made the famous quote, "I'm calling about Eddie Van Halen, I think you know his reputation."
Alex Van Halen as O.J.'s best friend since childhood, Al Cowlings. Eddie carried Alex with him to fame in a rock band much like O.J. carried Al with him to the Buffalo Bills. He made the famous quotes, "I have Eddie in the back of my car with a gun to his head" and "If you keep talking about my family, I'm gonna come over there and kick your a**! That goes for you too Kato!"
Gary Cherone as live-in guest Kato Kaelin. He was a bum and knew it wouldn't last. He tried his best to have an affair with Val much like Kato with Nicole, and this pissed Ed off but good. In the end though, he would rat out his friend Eddie, the very man whom he owed his 15 minutes of fame.
Michael Anthony as murder victim (God bless his him) Ronald Goldman. Always known for being the guy who was just in the right place at the right time, Mikey's luck ran dry. This time he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Eddie always did say Michael was expendable.
Sammy Hagar as his look-alike, Defense Attorney Leslie Abramson. No wait, sorry, that was the Menedez brothers trial, not the Van Halen brothers trial. They are similiar though. The Menendez brothers were 2 evil brothers who got rid of their 2 parents. Van Halen were 2 evil brothers who got rid of their 2 lead-singers.
TEN REASONS (NOT) TO GIVE GARY CHERONE A CHANCE
A misled fan wrote:
TEN REASONS TO GIVE GARY CHERONE A CHANCE IN VH
...should be "Ten reasons to NOT give Gary Cherone a chance in
1. He has a powerful voice.
...enough of Eddie's bullshit. Listen to the Extreme shit, listen to the
new album. All this hype from Ed is getting old. We heard all the same shit when Sammy
joined. Cherone is an average rock singer. He is the guy you hear in all those beer
commercials. End of story.
2. He writes powerful lyrics(apart from the first
Extreme album) He writes about politics and what goes on in the world. As well as love
...he writes moon/june lyrics (on any Extreme album) and from what I hear
now, he may not be writing the lyrics for VH at all, just singing.
3. He has a lot of experience
...he has a lot of bad experiences.
4. Some people think Extreme sucked. Those people
claim that the new Van Halen will suck because Gary Cherone is in Van Halen. Well many
people claim, that Dave's solo albums sucked, but he was great in VH. So maybe some people
who hated Extreme WILL like the new Van Halen. I myself liked Extreme, and DLR's solo
albums. (And Hagar's to)
...most EVERYONE agrees the original VH did not suck, so why change it?
5. Great performer in concert. I've never seen him
live, but I've heard that from many people.
...yeah, I heard a two people on the internet say that too, so it must be
6. If you liked the first 12 Van Halen albums, why
is VH gonna start to suck now?
...if you liked the first 6 VH albums, why is VH gonna kick ass now after
sucking with their last 4 (studio) albums?
7. Some fans are not happy 'cause Sammy didn't want
to sing Roth-era songs, Gary is happy to do so.
...most fans were not happy when Sammy sang Roth-era songs. Gary is dumb
to do so, along with Hagar era songs.
8. In ten years, Sammy will be almost 60. In ten
years Gary will be only 45. Gary being the lead singer will add years of life to the band.
...Roth isn't 45 yet, bring him back. He will add "LIFE" to the
coming years of the band.
9. Gary will give Van Halen a new era. He will
expose Van Halen to a whole new generation of fans(If MTV helps out). Extreme is still
pretty big in Europe
...Gary will give Van Halen (gasp) another new era. He will expose VH to a
whole new generation of "pop" fans (even if MTV doesn't help out). Roth is even
bigger in Europe, Japan etc.
10. The benefit of the doubt.
...why should we when Roth already has proven himself with 2 new songs on
the GH album. Why should I or anyone else even give Gary Cherone the time of day. Why
should we give him that benefit when Ed didn't do that for DLR?
I have managed to buy 2 VH albums ever because my friends buy them and they become very boring quickly. the writing is very plain so any moron can sit around and drink and wail the meaningless lyrics. Gary can write but the problem is going to be the freedom he will have in a one dimensional band(yes i said it) eddie may be scared to venture out to new areas of rock. i heard he wanted to do something with substance and i hope that is true because that is what extreme put out.
LOL. Again, another "Gary is a superior song-writer. Gary will add a new dimension. Gary will add life" etc. Look man, I have read the lyrics, I have heard Extreme, THEY are the boring ones. Give me a break. Half the time I have no idea what Gary is singing anyway, his voice dies in the mix. He is JOE AVERAGE. Once again, like Sammy Hagar asks, "If Nuno and Gary are so great, why didn't they ever make it on their own?"
You guys keep talking about this great singer Cherone. He brings nothing with him. If the new VH flys, it will be because of Eddie. Hell, half the Eddie fans only listen, so they say, only because of Eddie anyway. Forget your illusions of Gary bringing all these political, social, and what have you commentary to VH, if he succeeds in doing that, he will destroy VH.
I have seen his lyrics, all of them. They are nothing special. I have posted many here before. They are not "four syllable" words. They are not literary pieces of work. They are simple. They are nursery rhymes. They are not even fun to listen to.
Roth is witty and clever. Hagar is lovey-duvey and moon/june. Cherone is a wannabe social commentator. And that's just the lyrics! Cherone's vocal melodies are not up to par either. I listened to "3 Sides To Every Story" many times and NOTHING is memorable. That's why I tend to agree with the rumors that Cherone will only be singing. It makes sense to me.
I won't sit here and say the DLR/VH was a "Thinking man's band". They were a killer rock group. Nothing more, nothing less. Extreme was not even that. Just an average band that TRIED to succeed at being serious/commentative etc. A few of you out there bought it and more power to you. But I would wager VH will be in the RnR Hall of Fame and Extreme will be all but forgotten in ten years time.
You can even put Shakespeare to music, but if you don't have the melodies, the sound, or good enough musicians, I don't give a fuck about the lyrics... and Extreme never even approached that.
Extreme was an average band, nobody as offered any proof otherwise. Just saying he has "elephant balls" or an "angel voice" doesn't get it either, we all heard that back in '86 already. If the album is good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad. Until then, Gary Cherone is a wannabe who has attained nothing compared to the other two singers.