Quick Slams


DLR at the Us Festival: "The only people that put iced tea in Jack Daniel's bottles is the Clash baby!" Sammy Hagar backstage at the Monsters of Rock: "Eddie, do you know where Metallica hid our iced tea? I hate when they do that."


You know, I hear people say that Gary Cherone kicked ass singing Queen songs at a tribute performance. Who gives a shit, I want to hear Van Halen sound like Van Halen, not Freddie Mercury!


People tell me, "Sammy Hagar is a better singer than David Lee Roth because he can sing higher." Better?? Not quite. Higher... maybe. Dave's voice sounds cool period. Hell, you kick someone in the nuts and they'll hit any note you want. Will it sound good? Not really.


Yeah, I saw that video "Live Without A Band". Zzzzzzz


Alex Van Halen: "We had a toothache for 11 years and we had it removed and replaced with a gold cap." Yeah, and I hear Mötley Crüe sued the same dentist a few years later for malpractice.


You know, Van Halen needs to start being more honest here; like Prince. They should be known by a symbol, an outline of a person being stabbed in the back or something. They should be known as "The Band Formerly Known As Van Halen".


"Marching To Mars"? Should be more like: "Doin' The Cabo Wobble To A Red Planet" or "Marching To Obscurity" or "Marching To Where Cherone Will Be Soon: Outer Space" or "Stumblin' To An Uninhabited Planet".


DLR at the Us Festival: "We came here tonight to celebrate. Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll!" Sammy Hagar at Monsters of Rock: "Are you Red Rockers ready to get crazy and do the Cabo Wabo?!!"



I heard Gary Cherone supposedly wrote a song about David Lee Roth called "Kid Ego". I'm going to write one about Gary Cherone called "Kid Period".


Eddie Van Halen: "Going to No. 1 is the best feeling there is, outside of firing two lead-singers within four months!"


Van Halen opened up a new fan phone line recently, 1-800-BAD-HIPP. They had to close it down after only 3 days because everybody who called had left the message, "The band is about Dave, not your fuckin' hip!"


Sammy Hagar at the Cabo Wabo Cantina in Mexico talking to the only patron: "You mean you don't recognize me? I'm associated with two very evil brothers." "Oh yes, now I know! Leslie Abramson, the Defense Attorney for the Menedez
Brothers, right?!!"


Yeah, I heard that record "Not Here, Not Now". Zzzzzzz


Alex Van Halen: "We used to be a Volkswagen and now we're a Porsche." Boy, I ain't going anywhere near that car lot if  they thought they got a Porsche in Sammy Hagar. Talk about a fast-talkin' car salesman! I guess now they think they traded that Porsche in for a Rolls Royce. It's going to be a bitch to pay the bill when this car breaks down!!


Dave, slowing down in the ol' dependable "Luv Bug", yelling at Van Halen in their broken down Rolls on the side of the road, "Hey man, need a lift? I hear Sammy has a nice car!!" Brrrrrrrrr! (The sound of tires squealing and rubber burning)


I have a friend who works the phones at the Suicide Hotline. She said she got a call and the voice on the other end said: "Man, you don't know what I'm going through ya know. I'm in this band and all the fans hate me ya know. I kicked out a singer that could have made us the biggest band ever ya know. I now have a singer that is going to make us the biggest failure ever. I can't stand it no more ya know. And Dave wa.. I mean, and Don was cool people too man ya know. I made him look bad and everything ya know. I lied man, I LIED! I lied about everything ya know. I lied when I said this new guy had elephant balls. It's sounding more like he has chihuahuas balls. I lied when I said I had the next 4 albums in my head. I lost all my thoughts the last time I fell down the stairs after drinking all night ya know. I lied when I said the music will do the talking ya know. I was banking on our fans to follow us blindly like they did the first time 12 years ago ya know. Now they hate me ya know. I don't even know how to play this guitar no more man! I'm a keyboard player ya know. What am I gonna do man, ya know, what am I gonna do?!!" You don't think that could have been Eddie do you?