"What am I going to do, sing a million dollars harder at the Us Festival than at the bottom line? Honey, I sing like a million dollars regardless."
"I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money."
(1986): "It wouldn't be fair to compare my band of the future with something that belongs in the pasture"
"I used to jog but the ice-cubes kept falling out of my glass."
"The National Enquirer is the only paper I use for more than rolling joints."
"The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!"
"I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle."
"People think I have this strange concept of women, but they're wrong. I'm a family-oriented kind of guy. I've personally started four or five this year already!"
"I can tell you don't like me at all... do me a favor, spread it around!"
"Van Halen can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade."
"The Breakfast of Champions isn't cereal, it's the competition!"
"A lot of bands mature, which means they get square; they start delivering messages. Hey, you got a message, use Western Union."
"Let's play with the career, if we can't find anything else to do"
"People ask me, "so what about Van Halen today?" I tell 'em "hey I'm not in it, I don't give a shit." They say "so what about Valerie Bertinelli?" I say, "same answer."
"One of my friends took me to one of these all-you-can-eat salad bars recently. I passed out and it took 3 Snickers bars and a Coke to revive me."
"Hell, if I wanted to be serious, I'd have joined the
"I say to the guys in the band: "You know what Voltaire said?" They think Voltaire is an air conditioning company."
"My Daddy told me when I was a boy - Dave, It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how good you looked!"
"I only have two flavors baby, bubblegum and dick... and I'm all out of bubblegum."
"The two most difficult things in life are success & failure"
"There are two rules to living well. The first is, don't sweat the little shit. The second is, it's all little shit. In other words, it's all okay. We may be lost, but we're way ahead of schedule."
"Always had it, always WILL have it!"
"It's not who wants to sleep with you; It's who wants to sleep with you again."
"People say that life is a cesspool of darkness and dispair. Well we of Van Halen are sailing through it in a yacht!"
"The guy who said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to go shopping."
"He who knows how will always work for he who knows why."
"Sammy throws a party... I am the party."
"With me in the band, its one of those miraculous 97-97 deals. Its 97 percent you and 97 percent moi. Is it Mick or Keith? I dont know. Im currently the fun part, and Ill always be the fun part. I ran into one of the current managers not terribly long ago, and he said, "Hey, Dave, you know, its just another chapter. And I told him "No. Classic VH is the whole book, all right? The rest of you are just disposable chapters."